trigger warnings: discussions of pet death/euthanization and grief

It's been a few weeks since I had to have my cat, Darwin, euthanized. He was 18 years old and had a sudden decline, so there wasn't really anything to be done. I had him for the last six years of his life. He was a spoiled rotten kitty and I miss him so much. He was my best friend. He was so snuggly and sweet, even though his face was grumpy. He loved cuddling. He loved tuna. He loved watching tv with me.

Grief is weird. Some days, I feel okay, then suddenly grief sweeps in like a tidal wave. There are times where I'll turn around in my chair and expect to see Darwin napping on the bed behind me. Sometimes I swear at night I can hear him jingling around in the room while he drinks water or gets a snack. Some nights I have trouble sleeping because I'm so used to him being tucked up beside me in a little ball.

I don't really tell my friends how much it still hurts. I don't want to bother anyone and I know it can be awkward. Grief is awkward. When my mom died, people didn't know what to say. I'm sorry didn't seem like enough, but what else can you say? How else can you express that you know your friend is hurting, but there's nothing you can do to make the hurt go away?

Grief never really goes away. You just learn how to grow around it. How to cope. How to keep going, even when the sadness feels like it might crush you. One thing I've realized, though, is that everyone's grieving journey is different. There's no right or wrong way to feel.

I miss you, buddy. I'm so, so glad you aren't in pain anymore. But I miss you very much. I don't really know what kind of afterlife I believe in, but I like to think that you're there waiting for me.

I've decided to blog on neocities! I tried another blogging site, but wasn't really jazzed about it. I want to get into blogging, because I've always loved reading other people's blogs and learning bits about their day to day life. My life isn't very exciting at the moment, but I don't really mind. I've been unemployed for about three months. It's been a much needed break. I had horrible burn out from stress, work, just trying to survive...now that I'm in a place where I can breathe and feel safe, healing is easier.

I've been applying to jobs but I'm not too stressed about it currently. I have money to live on so I don't have to fret about not having an income. I'm currently looking for a car, too, and hopefully I can find one I like! Having a car will give me so much more freedom. I moved to a new area a few months ago and I've been itching to explore it. I also just miss going on casual drives for fun.

Besides that, I've been focusing on trying to take care of myself better. Eating better, drinking more water, resting when my body tells me I need to. I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue so I'm learning how to manage it better. I'm also trying to learn to love my hobbies again and to not feel guilty for doing said hobbies. I've been writing more and playing video games more. I'm still struggling with being in a reading slump, but I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

I am still struggling with being extremely hard on myself for the silliest things. I also struggle with not feeling "productive," especially since I'm not employed right now. I've mitigated that a little by taking over some of the housework for my aunt, but sometimes I still feel that I'm not doing enough. I find myself saying things like "oh, I'll rest when I do all of the dishes" or "I can sit down after I've tidied every room," so I have to remind myself that I am allowed to rest even if I haven't "earned" it.

It's all a work in progress. Some days are better than others. My depression and anxiety haven't magically gone away even though I am in a less stressful living situation. But I am doing better, little by little, and I think that's really great. :)