A lot has happened in the last few months. I was able to get a car and I finally managed to get a part time job a few weeks ago. My goal now is to open a savings account and start saving up money. I have some things I would like to buy and I need to have the air conditioner repaired in my car since summer is arriving. I had to use most of my first full paycheck to buy a new phone, since mine unfortunately kicked the bucket. But! I am resolving to be more responsible with my money and to keep track of things better. My friend helped me create a budget tracker in Notion so I'm excited to use that. I have to remind myself that I don't have to buy everything I want all at once. I think it's that ingrained fear of not having money that I developed from growing up poor. I'm scared if I don't buy something when I have the money then I'll never be able to get it. I'm trying to break myself of that habit. It's difficult, but I'm trying!

I've also been struggling with figuring out what kind of life I want to have. When I was in survival mode, I couldn't think about the future. I had to focus on just getting through each day as it came. Now that I'm a little more secure, I've started thinking about my future, and it's just been a huge blank. It's nice, though, to finally feel like I have a future I can start thinking about. I've been making a list of places I want to visit and fun things I want to do. I have another list for long term goals, too. Can you tell that I like making lists?

Besides those things, I've mainly been adjusting to my new job and work schedule. I work about 30 hours a week, so unfortunately I am not full time and can't get health insurance through my job. Honestly, though, I don't mind just being part time for now. I'm still recovering from my severe burn out I was dealing with before I moved, so easing back into working has been good. I get three days off a week, so I have time to rest and recover in between shift, which has been great for managing my chronic fatigue and pain. The job isn't very stressful either. I'm actually enjoying it. I don't dread going to work and for the most part I like my coworkers.

Also, there is a Daiso near my workplace, which is very exciting, and I probably go there way too much. They have such cute things though! And snacks! And all sorts of useful little household items. My favorite purchase has been some matcha latte powder, though. It's definitely saved me money from going out and buying a lot of matcha lattes from cafes...now I can just make some at home whenever I'd like. It's such a nice treat when I'm feeling out of sorts. I'm trying to take time to find joy in the simple things. A nice book, a matcha latte, listening to soothing music. I am trying to hold on to joy whenever and wherever I can, especially because there's so much going on in the world right now. I also want to start looking into local volunteering opportunities! I'd love to do something with aniamls, but I'll have to see what's around.

Even though I'm still struggling a bit with my depression and anxiety, since I am unable to get my meds right now, I think I am doing okay. I am trying to take care of myself and do things that make me happy. I just have to remember to be gentle with myself.

trigger warnings: discussions of depression and anxiety

I discovered a cat cafe in a town near me and it's been nice to visit. I'm not ready to adopt a new kitty yet, but being able to go get kitty snuggles is nice. The cats are all very sweet and the coffee is...okay. Not horrible but not the best. I don't mind it, though, since a lot of the money goes towards taking care of the cats.

I've also been going to another place to get ube matcha lattes, which are delicious. It's been my little treat to myself. I've been a little irresponsible with money recently, though, and I feel ashamed of myself. I don't have a job but I was just spending spending spending like I do. I went so long not really being able to buy anything fun that when I had some extra money I went a bit overboard. So now I'm back to struggling again. I did it to myself, so I can't be mad at anyone but myself. I'm resolving to try to do better.

I've been applying to jobs almost daily and haven't had any luck. I had two interviews, but didn't get either of the jobs. It's demoralizing and honestly I feel like a failure. I know the job market isn't great right now but I can't help but think something's wrong with me. I feel like I'm being a burden to my family. I'm frustrated at being chronically ill and chronically tired. I'm frustrated that I'm depressed and anxious and trying really hard to hide that I am from everyone because I want people to think I'm fine.

It's hard. It's really hard.

trigger warnings: discussions of pet death/euthanization and grief

It's been a few weeks since I had to have my cat, Darwin, euthanized. He was 18 years old and had a sudden decline, so there wasn't really anything to be done. I had him for the last six years of his life. He was a spoiled rotten kitty and I miss him so much. He was my best friend. He was so snuggly and sweet, even though his face was grumpy. He loved cuddling. He loved tuna. He loved watching tv with me.

Grief is weird. Some days, I feel okay, then suddenly grief sweeps in like a tidal wave. There are times where I'll turn around in my chair and expect to see Darwin napping on the bed behind me. Sometimes I swear at night I can hear him jingling around in the room while he drinks water or gets a snack. Some nights I have trouble sleeping because I'm so used to him being tucked up beside me in a little ball.

I don't really tell my friends how much it still hurts. I don't want to bother anyone and I know it can be awkward. Grief is awkward. When my mom died, people didn't know what to say. I'm sorry didn't seem like enough, but what else can you say? How else can you express that you know your friend is hurting, but there's nothing you can do to make the hurt go away?

Grief never really goes away. You just learn how to grow around it. How to cope. How to keep going, even when the sadness feels like it might crush you. One thing I've realized, though, is that everyone's grieving journey is different. There's no right or wrong way to feel.

I miss you, buddy. I'm so, so glad you aren't in pain anymore. But I miss you very much. I don't really know what kind of afterlife I believe in, but I like to think that you're there waiting for me.

I've decided to blog on neocities! I tried another blogging site, but wasn't really jazzed about it. I want to get into blogging, because I've always loved reading other people's blogs and learning bits about their day to day life. My life isn't very exciting at the moment, but I don't really mind. I've been unemployed for about three months. It's been a much needed break. I had horrible burn out from stress, work, just trying to survive...now that I'm in a place where I can breathe and feel safe, healing is easier.

I've been applying to jobs but I'm not too stressed about it currently. I have money to live on so I don't have to fret about not having an income. I'm currently looking for a car, too, and hopefully I can find one I like! Having a car will give me so much more freedom. I moved to a new area a few months ago and I've been itching to explore it. I also just miss going on casual drives for fun.

Besides that, I've been focusing on trying to take care of myself better. Eating better, drinking more water, resting when my body tells me I need to. I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue so I'm learning how to manage it better. I'm also trying to learn to love my hobbies again and to not feel guilty for doing said hobbies. I've been writing more and playing video games more. I'm still struggling with being in a reading slump, but I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

I am still struggling with being extremely hard on myself for the silliest things. I also struggle with not feeling "productive," especially since I'm not employed right now. I've mitigated that a little by taking over some of the housework for my aunt, but sometimes I still feel that I'm not doing enough. I find myself saying things like "oh, I'll rest when I do all of the dishes" or "I can sit down after I've tidied every room," so I have to remind myself that I am allowed to rest even if I haven't "earned" it.

It's all a work in progress. Some days are better than others. My depression and anxiety haven't magically gone away even though I am in a less stressful living situation. But I am doing better, little by little, and I think that's really great. :)